Listening deeply, with
Internal Family Systems

inner-children

To me and my inner world, Internal Family Systems has been the instigator of a gentle unfolding, helping me to come home to myself in a way that feels inclusive and warm. It’s shown me a way of opening up to and welcoming the parts of me that are most in need of my friendship and a way of navigating my world with more embodied presence and inner harmony.

If you’re new to IFS and curious about how it all works allow me to introduce you to some of the terms and language it uses to conceptualise its principles, goals and the process it follows.

🌟 The Self

First up is the Self, known for its energetically open hearted state and its natural residence in each of us. Our Self might be obscured from us and others when we feel defensive, but we understand that it’s possible to release its energy through curiosity, and that when uncovered through the therapeutic process it is the Self that acts as a transformative healing force. IFS uses the following C words to point to how we can recognise the presence of Self energy:

As IFS therapists we practice releasing our own embodied self energy so that we can support you to uncover yours.

🌟 Systems thinking

Its title Internal Family Systems shows how this model approaches its process using systems thinking. Rather than assuming we have one inner voice or inner thinker, it understands our psyche as holding a system of parts that relate internally with each other like a family. And that each part of us has its own desires, beliefs and ideas about how best to navigate and thrive in our life, whilst also keeping us safe. To bring this concept to life, here’s an example of how my own parts can show up for me when a persuasive friend pleads with me to go to a party with them.

I let the idea settle, and then notice a part of me that is keen to go. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed this week, and maybe a party will make me feel less stressed. But as I think about going another part of me imagines meeting new people and the potential social awkwardness that could arise if we have little to connect over. But when I think about declining the offer, another part of me rejects that idea because then I’ll have to face my friends' disappointment when I tell them no.

🌟 Managers

My example demonstrates the different types of parts that IFS recognises. The part of me that is afraid of feeling awkward when meeting new people and the part that doesn’t want to disappoint my friend are both known as managers. A manager’s job is to proactively control situations in order to avoid uncomfortable feelings from coming up in ourselves and others. Its motto is ‘never again!’ Both my managers are trying to avoid difficult emotions from surfacing inside me, my friend and the new people that I potentially meet. Other common manager parts that we might recognise in ourselves and others are the perfectionists, judges and inner critics.

🌟 Firefighters

The part that wants to go to the party to move away from the stress I am feeling is described in IFS as a firefighter. Firefighters act reactively to distance us from painful feelings that have already surfaced. Their motto is ‘When all else fails!’ My firefighter part wants to go to the party to distract me from feeling overwhelmed. It’s the part of me that will get me to drink that extra glass of wine at the party. It is not concerned that I might get too drunk, say something I regret, or that the overwhelmed feeling will return the following morning.

🌟 Blending

If say, in my example, I chose to go to the party then I’d know that on this occasion I was blended with my firefighter part that wanted to party. At that moment my managers that are concerned with social anxiety and pleasing my friend have been pushed out of my consciousness and I am solely identified with the beliefs and desires of my firefighter. IFS recognises different ways we blend. We can be fully blended with one part or view our world blended with several parts at once. We can also be connected to a level of Self energy as we are also being blended with a part.

🌟 Unblending

Part of the process of IFS is to unblend from our parts. We make this separation so that we can build a relationship with them. Our intention in IFS is to relate with our parts from our Self energy. Before we actively start to know them from Self it’s likely that when we are having a conversation internally we are blended with two (or more) parts who are communicating with each other.

🌟 Polarisation

Imagine that in my example I do go to the party. And when I get there I drink a little more than I planned on. At this moment I’ve blended with my firefighter. Until I wake up in the morning with a headache and a feeling of regret. Why didn’t I stay in for the evening and nurture myself better? A part of me more concerned with self care and feeling my emotions is now present. My firefighter part is nowhere in sight and even if it were it wouldn’t care. This scenario depicts a classic polarisation of parts. Both my party part and my self care part have polarised ideas about how best to handle the overwhelm. Neither action is right or wrong, and both can have a place in a balanced lifestyle. However polarisations can become more extreme as parts try with ever more strength and certainty to manage emotions and situations their way. In IFS we keep an eye out for these polarisations and seek to bring more harmony to our inner system so that our parts don’t need to act in extreme ways.

🌟 Exiles

In my original example I mentioned feeling overwhelmed and stressed in my body. IFS understands these feelings as communications from an exile, which are parts of us that are young, innocent and naturally playful and who, through traumatic experiences, are burdened with painful self beliefs. These parts are described as exiles because they are essentially locked away from our consciousness by our managers and firefighters in order to protect our inner system from the big emotions they feel due to the heavy burdens they are carrying.

🌟 Insight

In IFS, the term insight describes the act of noticing what is happening inside of us. This could be a sensation in our body, thoughts and feelings, or images in our mind’s sight when we close our eyes. We recognise these as communication from our parts, and the process of insight allows us to first notice what is happening and then to respond with understanding and curiosity.

🌟 The six F’s

The six F’s are a set of steps that we use in our sessions to guide us to build trust as we relate with our protective parts from our Self energy. In doing so we show our protectors that it’s safe for us to meet our exiles. Without needing to follow each F in a set order, have the following six steps to hand.

🌟 Find: This step is one of noticing ‘what is here with me right now?’. For example, as we share our story we might become aware of a thought or belief that we are strongly identified with. We might instead notice an emotion that is present or feel a sensation in or around our body. All of these messages can be received by us as communications from a part.

🌟 Flesh out: In this step we get to know more about the part than simply the thought, emotion or sensation that we initially discovered. We can start to relate to our part as another human being as we get to know what their ideas, motivations and beliefs are.

🌟 Focus: This step guides us to place our attention on the part as a means of differentiating them from Self. From this place of separation we are in position to build a relationship with our part.

🌟 Feel towards: In this step we ask ourselves how do I feel towards this part? If we notice we are feeling any of the 8 C’s mentioned earlier such curiosity and compassion then we know that we are relating to our part from our Self energy. If we observe unwelcoming thoughts and feelings, such as aversion or irritation, it would indicate to us that we are blended with another part and are witnessing the initial part through their eyes and not through Self. In this case we can either ask the part that has stepped in to step back, or start the process of getting to know this new part before returning to the initial part

🌟 Once it’s clear to us that we have enough Self energy to proceed, we can extend our warmth and curiosity towards our protector part, through verbal affirmations or energetically through our bodies. And in the process we can see if the part notices our positive attention.

🌟 Fears: We understand that our protective parts are driven by fears and in this step we seek to know what these are. Befriending our part helps them trust that they can share their fears with us. Addressing the fear can reveal the exiled part that they are protecting and from here Self and part can agree on how best to relate with the fear and the exile.

🌟 Burdens

The emotions, beliefs and memories carried by parts as a result of being wounded are described in IFS as burdens. In my example I described how my parts showed up both cognitively as thoughts and also as stress and overwhelm felt in my body. IFS shares the understanding that it’s our bodies that hold onto trauma. Through working with and learning from people and their parts, founder Richard Schwarz found parts to have their own bodies that are separate from ours. Furthermore, that when parts carry burdens in or on their bodies it has a powerful influence on the way they feel and behave.

🌟 Unburdening

The unburdening process in IFS is an invitation for exiles to ceremoniously release burdens carried in their body to the elements of air, water, fire or earth. We invite our them to release burdens as they intuitively feel like doing.

🌟 IFS Goals

Rather than assuming we need to build a new version of ourselves, we practise IFS to gently release the painful beliefs and memories that keep us from experiencing our world with curiosity, confidence and connectedness.

As we practise IFS we keep the following basic goals below in mind:

🌟 Liberate parts from the roles they’ve been forced into, so they can be who they’re designed to be. IFS observes that the carrying burdens by exiles and the roles our managers and firefighters take on to protect us from these painful beliefs are not their natural state of being. We hold the goal to free our parts of their roles and burdens.

🌟 ​Restore trust in the Self and Self-leadership. Whilst we can appreciate that our protective parts have beautiful intentions in helping us cope with life, the uncovering of our Self energy is a key element of the IFS work through. This is because its qualities are much needed in supporting our exiles to let go of their burdens. For this reason, during sessions we focus on building relationships with our protective parts from Self, so that they can trust us to meet our exiles safely. And as our exiles heal we are able to show our protectors that it’s now safe to stop doing their job and that they are free to choose new ways of being.

🌟 Reharmonize the inner system. Before we meet our parts with Self energy they can, understandably, believe they are alone and that it’s on them to take control when needed. If our exiles hold many burdens and we have parts that disagree in a big way about how to best stay safe, then our protectors can take on extreme roles to avoid vulnerability. We bring balance to our system with our objectives of understanding how our parts are relating to each other in our system, repairing relationships between parts with polarised beliefs and continuing to build Self to part relationships.

🌟 Become more Self-led in your interactions with the world. Our fourth and final goal of IFS is to become more Self-led in our interactions. Something that naturally happens when our parts are less burdened and we in turn have less need of protection.

🌟 All Parts are welcome

There is undoubtedly much more to be explored on the subject of Internal Family. But for now we have come to the end of this short intro. I would like to leave you with the beautiful invitation that IFS offers us, which is that, despite what we may sometimes believe, there is no part of us that isn’t worthy of our appreciation and love. And yes, this sentiment is extended to your inner critic that's hating on you as well as that part of you that keeps getting you to do that thing that you wish you could just stop. It’s all ok and it’s all welcome.

🌟 Suggested further reading